Welcome to my first ever TTC entry. March marked 9 months unofficially trying for a little baby and 6 months officially trying. Up until this point, I’ve been semi-documenting my experience through TikTok and Instagram. By semi-document, I mean sharing lighthearted content as a way to cope with the situation. We’ve gotten pretty good feedback so far and a few hate comments here and there. After being in the online space for a few years, I’ve learned to not let comments really get to me… Until March. I got a comment that said I’m taking TTC pretty easy and that I should share more of the other side of our journey – not just our silly joking reels. I wasn’t going to address it, but after a brutal two week wait in March that ended in a chemical pregnancy, I didn’t wanna hear it.
Here’s the thing with social media: you only see a tiny portion of someone’s day. I don’t owe it to anyone to post about our hard times through this journey. I do not have to record myself crying on the bathroom floor when my period comes month after month, or record the hard conversations with Brandon that ends in me crying and wondering “what’s wrong with me?” What I can do though, is write about my feelings afterwards – which is what I’m doing now.
Brandon and I were so confident in March. We were tracking everything and taking care of our bodies. Around 4 DPO, I started to get leg cramps, which normally doesn’t happen for me until the night before my period comes. This continued for the next week. At this point, I also started peeing frequently – even getting up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom, which I never do.
At 6 DPO, I noticed fatigue and elevated heart rate. I was also extremely emotional – even hysterically crying over Justin Bieber at one point.
The morning of 8 DPO, I got my first faint positive. At this point, I also started getting food aversions.
9 DPO, I used first morning urine on 3 different test brands, 1 of which came back faint again. The other 2 were negative. Food aversions continued.
At 10 DPO, I had another faint positive but with a different brand that I got my first two. At this point I started suspecting a chemical pregnancy because my line wasn’t progressing at all. Food aversions still continued.
At 11 DPO, my tests were completely negative.
12 DPO, I didn’t want to take any more tests because at this point, I was already hurt.
13 DPO I started spotting and had extreme back pain and cramps.
On the morning of 14 DPO, I started bleeding like crazy with continued cramps. TMI – I filled a pad in 30 minutes that morning. We played with the idea of getting a beta-hCG and testing progesterone but there was a part of me that didn’t want to know for sure if it was a chemical or not. It wasn’t until I bled for almost a week that I knew it was a chemical (My periods typically only last about 1.5-2 days at most)
I know I started this blog by saying I don’t owe it to anyone to share the hard times… but as I write this, and since getting that comment, I have to admit that I have taken a step back and have been hesitant about posting anything TTC related. It has made me want to stop sharing our journey. It even made me want to stop TTC all together. I’m tired and a big part of me just doesn’t want to go through this continued heartbreak anymore. On top of that, I’m scared of saying the wrong thing, and scared that something I post will be taken out of context. I’m afraid that I’ll offend someone going through IUI or IVF. I’ve started to think that my TTC journey and my feelings are invalid because we’re TTC naturally and there are others going through worse. Will I continue to share our journey? At this point… I don’t know. But at least this one post is here to show that despite our lighthearted content, we are actually hurting inside.
If I decide to post more about our TTC journey, you’ll find it here.